Winter

Last April, I posted my first blog titled "Seasons" and for the very first time, I talked about my struggle with infertility. It has now been 22 months since we started trying to have a baby and I am still in the middle of my winter. I wanted to write this blog because I believe this season is almost over and when God answers my prayer I want to look back at this. I also wanted to write this to blog to encourage others who are going through the same thing that they are not alone so if you are reading this and longing for a baby, this is for you.

My husband and I thought we may be in this scenario, but never for this long. So after trying for several months to conceive naturally and being only 25 years old, we sought help. When I look back at that time, I remember being so filled with hope and planning every detail. Guys, my "For my Future Little Ones" Pinterest board has been completed since month one haha. We went to Dr. after Dr. and test after test and tried treatment after treatment. Long story short, after 6 months of clomid/femara and failed IUI's we stopped. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood in the bible. She bled for 12 years and spent all of her money and resources trying to fix it and then she touched Jesus and was healed. Only I'm still on the less desired side of my healing.

I think I needed time to clear my head. Infertility is so hard and her treatment is taxing so we stopped for a while and haven't started back. In the time that we have been clearing our heads, I have been looking for answers. I have an official diagnosis of "Unexplained Infertility" btw which from my perspective means, "There's something wrong but we have no idea what it is." So I searched for answers. I read article after article and nothing. Guys, by the time they checked my tubes I WAS PRAYING THEY WOULD BE BLOCKED. I wanted there to be something they could fix, but there wasn't. We even had orientation for foster care, because we're just ready to be parents...

So now what?

1. I am praying for hope. In all of this, because I am a fixer and a doer and there is nothing I can fix or do, I need hope. I feel like I am on the roller coaster ride I never wanted to get on. When I explain infertility to others I explain it as you have these crazy high hopes every month and every month your hopes are crushed. Now listen, I am a Christian and I believe in the healing power of Christ. I believe that in a moment he could heal me. I believe that our hopes should be in Jesus and not in our circumstances but IT IS OKAY IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH HOPE BECAUSE OF INFERTILITY AND YOU AREN'T A BAD CHRISTIAN FOR IT. He sees you and he understands you. Pray for hope.

2. I am surrounding myself with my friends and letting them help me. I don't know about you but I struggle to tell people that I am struggling. I have good friends, the best actually. They want to walk with me. They want to help. They want to tell me that it sucks when I have to go to another baby shower that isn't mine. Let them help you.

3. Read your bible. The only answers I have found in the last 22 months are in the bible. They aren't exactly the ones I was looking for but its chalked full of the promises of God. Write them down, post them where you can see them, reread them and read them again. Here are some of my favorites:

Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will work out his plans for my life, for his faithful love endures forever"

Luke 1:13-21 "Don't be afraid, your prayer has been heard and your wife Elizabeth will bear a son."

Acts 10:34 "I see very clearly that the Lord shows no favoritism."

Psalm 113:9 "He gives the childless woman a family; making her a happy mother."

Genesis 25:21 "Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer and she became pregnant."

Hebrews 11:11 "And by faith, even Sarah who was bast childbearing age was enabled to bear a child because she considered him faithful he who made the promise."

Also, here are some of my favorite worship songs to listen to.

1. Raise a Hallelujah-Bethel

2. Surrounded (Fight my Battles) -Upper Room

3. It is Well- Bethel

4. Even When it Hurts -Hillsong

5. Even if -Mercy Me

4. I believe people want to help and always have good intentions. I will never stop believing that. But when you are walking through fire, everyone will have advice. The best advice I received? Pray to discern the voice of God and not the voice of people. I have had people who meant well lead me down paths I know now I was never supposed to walk down. By listening to God's voice I learned that God is not punishing me, sometimes infertility is a result of living in a fallen world. But at first I listened to someone else and walked in shame. Guys stop it, Listen for God's voice. You don't have to listen to anyone else, just say thank you and smile and keep going.

5. Grieve. It took me a long time to give myself permission to grieve. For a long time I told myself, you've never had a miscarriage so you are not allowed to grieve. I am giving myself permission and I am giving you permission to grieve over what you are longing for. It is okay. You can grieve and you aren't being dramatic for it and you aren't stupid for it. You can cry as long as when you're done you pick yourself back up (or in my case sometimes, have someone else pick you up) and keep going.

Friends, we are going to win this battle.

Love,

Becca